It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
