i wish my penis had a tongue
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
