I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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