Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
