last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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