I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
