I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
