He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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