I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
