I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
