dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i believe in u and ur pee
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
