i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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