Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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