thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
