Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
