I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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