i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
