winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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