Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
our cab driver is having phone sex.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
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OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
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He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I did not marry a roomba.
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