38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You need Xanax blowdarts
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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