sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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