WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You made out with two different species that night
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
