do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
