He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
