Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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