If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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