this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
