Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
