omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
