finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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