My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
