I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
