On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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