This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
