My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
