no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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