Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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