I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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