went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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