I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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