she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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