OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
