Yo dont text me then not text me
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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