guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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