Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
