You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
