Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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