Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
