I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
