Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
