Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
