Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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