I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
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I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
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Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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