I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
