I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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