My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
