Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
