you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
