Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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