I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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